Williams Family Blog: Please Don't Expect Me To Be Small To Make You Feel Less Fear

 

Something happened the other day that caused me to reflect on who I am and how other people may perceive me.

From a young age I was told I was "too loud"; yes, my voice carries which can be a gift in an emergency, on a crowded playground, in a classroom, or on a stage.  I have spent a lifetime monitoring my voice volume and envying those on TV and movie screens that speak at a whisper and draw attention. Now, with a husband who has difficulty hearing, my volume is a savior to our relationship. When you get a chance, ask the husband about the night of trick-or-treating with the boy in a dinosaur costume who didn't have on shoes and how my loud voice helped remedy the situation.  Our boy has a booming voice (no DNA involved there) who uses it on stage for acting and singing.  

Nice isn't my go-to setting as I typically don't worry about what others think of me.  I saw the damage that image maintenance did/does and thought, "that's not for me."  Someday I'll share the metaphor of the daybed.  I'm too blunt for nice and at the same time I have cultivated precision and succinctness with a positive frame when communicating verbally.  Kind? Yes. Compassionate? Yes. Considerate? Yes. Nice felt like I had to be small and something that I wasn't.  Yep, nice isn't on the top 10 words people would use to describe me.  And, why is nice expected anyway?

Smart, with a desire to be wise, along with situational awareness would be checks on my side of the board.  School, problem solving, game strategies, and absorbing content come easily.  Demonstrating to others that there is more than one way to solve a problem, even a curve ball sometimes, brings me satisfaction. Reading a room, interpreting a situation, decision making, planning, and anticipation feel like fortes. I was told once that I didn't have empathy and someone, who worked closely with me, told me that my ability to anticipate what people are going to need and plan accordingly is my way of showing empathy; through action.  Hugs all around, there! 

Curious.  I am genuinely curious about people and the world.  I'm not someone who takes apart a machine to figure out how it works, but I will analyze people and situations.  I said these words the other day, "even though these two people are at odds, ironically, they want the same end."  I am continually intrigued by humans and while I'm no Jane Goodall, I do have years of experience observing! 

It is difficult/uncomfortable for me to be vulnerable.  Very few experience this side of me; only the trusted.  And, if my vulnerability slips out, unawares beyond those fringes, anger follows--at myself, not them. If you find yourself in the circle of trust, know that it can easily be broken.  Yet, many entrust me with their secrets. If you find me sharing with you and segue to a story about yourself that my sharing prompted, know that I am done talking, but not necessarily finished and you will not know the rest; the ending. When you are talking, I too, have connections and stories.  I will either wait until you are finished (crossing my fingers to help me recall) or I will not share depending on the time, tenor, and intensity of the conversation. One's undivided attention and listening with engagement is the greatest gift! Interruption is a faux pas.  If I commit, apologies are issued immediately! 

While the husband may disagree, although there is evidence to the contrary, I do not need the last word.  In a conversation, in an email exchange, in a text message. I am aware of those that do need the last word and find it interesting.  I experiment sometimes to see how many exchanges someone is willing to take to get the last word.  Ooops!  Revealed!

Interestingly/ironically, the person who behaved in such a way to cause this reflection has indicated that they are reading and reflecting on how others perceive them as a growth goal. I realize their behavior was out of fear for both me and them, but I wasn't the one who caused the confusion and prompted the fear. And, I wasn't afraid.  Maybe I don't have enough knowledge or experience to be fearful. But being afraid is also not one of my default settings. And, yet, I capitulated to appease.  Still growing.